Totally Obsessed

This is the girl I hate (in the plaid)

See how fucking thin she is?

I need to be at least that thin, if not even thinner because... well....honestly, who would want to have sex with a fat girl when they are already having TONS of sex with a nice thin girl like that?
No One.



I am mad at my friends (they staged an intervention for me because I had been talking to a guy online.  I stopped) and I am mad at my parents (because they are jerks).  So, I am not eating anymore food until the play.  That is what I have decided and that is what I am going to stick to.

Fuck them.

Whenever I want to eat, I will tell myself that they will like me better if I am thin.

BTW progress pic:

hmmm you can't see much... but yup.  This is my body.  And it is not thin... nope.  see that?  No waist-hip definition.  Big boobs.  Things sticking out.  Nast nasty nasty.  I think I wanna puke.

But Bulimia is gross, so I wont.

Thinspiration:

30 Day Workout Bonanza!

I was browsing through Excersize TV the other day, and I stumbled upon something interesting... "30 Days 'Til I Do"

Its a series of 6 workouts that are supposedly going to get you ready for the big day.  Now, I have no idea the order in which you are supposed to do them nor what sort of resting periods there are- if you are supposed to do more than one per day... etc.... Because it costs $15 to get the calendar that tells you that.... but the workouts are free.

So, Im just gonna do one per day, maybe more, and hopefully I will look great in time for my school play (the end of this month! omg!)  Wish me luck!  Make me stick to it!

Thinspiration:

I am Fatter than my Father!?

Wow.... hit to my self esteem.  My father has lost a ton of weight (mostly water weight because he got a new kidney) and now he weighs 167.... good for him.  He wants to get down to like 155-160 so that he can go up hills easier with is bike.

It is fine with me that he wants to weight that, I want him to be healthy... but my self esteem hurts that my father weighs less than I do.  He is a man, he is 5'9" and he is really muscular.  It hurts my feelings.  I just weighed myself, and I weigh 172.4 (FUCK MY LIFE!! I WEIGHED 170.2 YESTERDAY!)

No  breakfast today, no lunch, a salad without dressing for dinner today.  I am going to weigh 167 by the end of this weekend, because I cannot weigh more than my father.

I am going to clean my room, go downstairs and work on my prom dress in front of my mother, go shopping, then (when she's gone out to lunch) I will film for my youtube channel, then work out, then maybe work on my homework until it's time for me to go to work.

Thinspiration:

Feeling Sexy

After yesterdays little compliment, and last nights dream... I am dressing sexy today.  For myself.  I want to feel good about myself.

Thinspiration

Feeling Terrible About Myself

You guys all know my love interest, I talk about him a lot.... You know, sometimes it feels like he's really into...and then he says these little nuggets that make me hate myself so much.

Like yesterday.  Yesterday I am trying to comfort him, I'm being a little silly...and I grab his foot because he is trying to run away.  You know that tendon-thing at the back of the ankle?  I was squeezing his, and he told me it was like someone was trying to turn him on in a really weird way.  Well, I wasn't trying to turn him on, so I stopped.  And he looked me in the face and told me he wasn't sexually attracted to me.

Well!  There is a blow to the gut!

Honestly, I don't think that there are any guys who are sexually attracted to me... I need to calm down and be a little bit more "sexy" and less "cute"... because I WANT guys to find me sexually attractive.

But geeze.  Here is a boy who tells me I am gorgeous, beautiful, and pretty (he even called me sexy once)... here is the boy that has known the most about me than anyone before and guess what: he doesn't find me sexually attractive!

Well, that sure makes me feel good.  It would appear that even when I let guys know my personality they still do not want me.

I think I hate myself.

Thinspo:

Had a Dream that I was REALLY fat

Im not even sure what hapopened in the dream... I just remember that I looked OBESE.....it is how I feel inside.  Revolting, absolutely revolting.

Thinspiration:

Gaining...

I had gotten down to 167, I had had consistant weight loss, and I was starting to like the way that I look.  But all good things must come to an end it seems.

I now weigh 172.   Yay!  Fat ass.

No breakfast today.  No eating until I weigh less than 167.  No eating until I weigh 163.  Lots of working out too.

I cannot gain weight, not now.  I need to look good for the play, I need to look good for the recital, for prom.  I NEED to lose weight.  I cannot be a fat ass forever, I refuse.

Thinspiration: